No one ever ate hot dogs because they were watching their figure, but this is ridiculous: A new study weighed the health benefits of over 5,000 foods, rating them by how much time they either take off — or add to — one’s life. And surprise surprise — one of America’s most popular culinary creations (modified, stories go, from the German original) will rob you of days, months, even years: the hot dog.
The report, first shared by the University of Michigan, found foods that ranged from erasing 74 minutes to adding 80. The dangerous foods tended to be sugary drinks, burgers, and (sorry) breakfast sandwiches. A single 85-gram serving of chicken wings nabbed 3.3 minutes, thanks sodium and harmful trans fatty acids.
But not all is bleak. Healthier (and delicious!) foodstuffs, like salted peanuts, baked salmon, and rice with beans added between 10 to 15 minutes. (Mind you, that doesn’t mean one can simply play math whiz and cancel out an unhealthy meal with one that’s good for you. So if you think you can gorge on a burger then down a bunch of peanuts, bringing your life clock back to zero, you’re almost certainly mistaken.)
And then there’s hot dogs. One of those will cost you 36 minutes of life, “largely due to the detrimental effect of processed meat.” (It’s not clear if that’s just a dog and the bun that houses it, or if adding some vegetables, like onions, will dilute its deleterious powers.)
When news of the study, specifically the hot dog business, spread over social media, people had a range of emotions. In fact, some conformed to the Five Stages of Grief model laid out by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. There was denial.
Joey Chestnut would be dead already. Delete this. https://t.co/1zlPS2YOLO
— Gary Sheffield Jr. (@GarysheffieldJr) August 23, 2021
I just wasted one of those minutes reading this trash ass tweet. https://t.co/QiyCmJurk1
— Leland
(@___Leland) August 23, 2021
And anger.
what the fuck? I can eat a hotdog in like 2 minutes https://t.co/zxkBdl9DNS
— Thought Slime 3.0 (@ThoughtSlime) August 23, 2021
Fuck off. https://t.co/L5M0kSGoPy
— Greg Miller (@GameOverGreggy) August 23, 2021
Bargaining.
here for a good time not a long time https://t.co/BVOYjB5f2c
— Steve Zaragoza (@stevezaragoza) August 23, 2021
Depression.
This has me
https://t.co/DVHxjtkIR3
— Chelsista
(@folcane) August 24, 2021
And acceptance.
statistically speaking I should be dead https://t.co/OVHgXRYuRd
— Ria (@BarstoolRia) August 23, 2021
Don't threaten me with a good time. https://t.co/e9CLK0vO9W pic.twitter.com/ZVu9kP1AlZ
— Meg Turney (@megturney) August 23, 2021
I’ve been dead for 30 years https://t.co/cGSlI1sAv2
— Lin Brehmer (@LinBrehmer) August 23, 2021
Sounds like a win-win to me https://t.co/NfUYHSETiI
— Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn) August 23, 2021
Some saw it as a challenge.
not true, I can eat a hot dog MUCH faster than that https://t.co/Pft7EOfZcj
— Olive Rae Brinker (@olivebrinker) August 23, 2021
Some worried about hot dog eating contest champ Joey Chestnut.
In the past 15 Nathan's Famous Hot Dog competitions, Joey Chestnut has eaten 1,005 hot dogs.
That means, from contest days alone, he has cost himself 24 1/2 days of his life. https://t.co/I3CrwQmvKR
— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) August 23, 2021
R.I.P Joey Chestnut 1983-1749 https://t.co/rNN2FQBEhX
— Ken McGraw (@KenMcGraw) August 23, 2021
when Joey Chestnut doesn't know that he's supposed to die on July 5th and eats a record-setting 94 hot dogs at the July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest https://t.co/d3N5Y8H6wr pic.twitter.com/ozY6rhQv9I
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) August 23, 2021
Some were deliberately obtuse about the news.
who takes 35 minutes to eat one hot dog https://t.co/07Wto1LCQX
— darth
(@darth) August 23, 2021
Who eats a hot dog that slowly? https://t.co/fDT6aCT0zp
— ian bremmer (@ianbremmer) August 23, 2021
And some thought about other unhealthy activities.
[My coworkers all huddled together, smoking a cigarette during break. They sniff around, smelling something. Me, holding 5 hotdogs, standing directly next to them] https://t.co/zv5bZ2gi6u
— MattWillPost (@MattPostSaysHi) August 23, 2021
On the plus side, there’s another simple American culinary invention: the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not only is that also delicious, it also, as per the study, adds a whopping 33 minutes of life. Throw in some peanuts and you’ve all but atoned for that hot dog.
YOU (RUBE): Focused on the hot dog part of the story
ME (WISE): Quietly planning to eat a PB&J every 32 minutes and in doing so become immortal https://t.co/JBsuYJezV6 pic.twitter.com/tzdhLdxSNl— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) August 24, 2021
(Via NY Post)
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